2-13-04...
by: Manda

I jus keep thinking about how things turned out. I see you with your arm around her, I tell myself it's not what it looks like. Your sister says it is. I look at you and you look away quickly, not wanting to see the pain in my eyes. I look at her, she does the same. We reach our destination and I get all of my shit around...wanting to leave so badly. I don't want to see you hold her. That's my place, not hers. I cringe, I look away. You look at me and tell me you have to talk to me. I follow you out of the room and look at you. You question 'Are you mad at me.'

I just look away quickly, not knowing how to stop myself from crying. You put your arms around me and I just cry in your arms. I tell you that I am mad, and then quickly change my answer...from mad, to hurt.

So many thoughts are running through my head...I love you, I hate you, how could you do this to me, why her, what'd I do to deserve this. I just stay there and cry for what seems like hours, but I realized later was only a few seconds. Your sister comes out and asks why I'm crying. I tell her I'm not. You say you don't know why I'm crying and your sister goes off on you. She yells at you for me and says everything I want to say but can't. She tells you that I still love you and I don't want to see you with anyone else, especially not one of my friends.

You get pissed off and say you're leaving. I follow you, but you tell me not to. I still do and then you get angry sounding with me, so I turn away...with more tears in my eyes then ever. I go back and dry my eyes and put on my fake smile and walk back into the room, acting as though I'm not at all hurt by you or her actions.

I don't think I did a very good job, because as soon as I walk in she says, "Amanda, I'm sorry. If you want me to, I'll break up with him...I don't want you mad at me." I want to tell her that I am mad at her, and I want her to break up with him, but I have so many emotions running through my heart, my head, and my brain. I just shake my head and go over to Craig and he hugs me and tells me that it'll be ok and that he still loves me.

There's a knock on the door and the door opens, and in walks a black dude. He talks and fucks around, but I look out past the door and I see you're back. I look around and see that no one else notices you being out there. I leave the room and go outside, knowing you'll follow me. I sit down on the steps, and within a few seconds...you come out and sit next to me. I guess you know what someone will do after being best friends with them for over a year. We just sit there for a few minutes...and the silence is nice. Not uncomfortable. There's never an uncomfortable silence between you and I. I finally look over at you and you're looking back at me. One look at me and you turn your head again. I know that seeing me hurt hurts you. I lean on you and you just sit there. I say hi. You smile your adorable smile and ask me if I'm ok. I just nod my head and smile my fake smile. I know you can see right through it, but don't say anything.

Then silence. It was nice again, just sitting there in the dark with you. Not kissing or hugging or holding hands, but just leaning on each other. You finally say you're sick of this shit and tell me you're walking home. This time, I'm not letting you get away so easily. You get up, and I follow you. You tell me just to go back, and that you just don't want to be around here right now.

I grabbed a hold of him and say, “I wanna talk to you..." and you tell me that you've been waiting for me to talk and I haven't said any thing. You keep on walking, and I follow you. I tell you that I love you and you turn your head and look me right in the eyes and say you love me too. Everything comes out then. I tell you that I'm not mad at you, I'm just hurt. I want you to be happy though. By this time, we're at the end of the street and walking past the police station. I stop you and tell you I'm sorry for hurting you and that I love you. You hug me and tell me you love me too.

I turn away and walk back up the street, my eyes full of tears. I look back and see you walking the other direction. I just cry and yell at myself, I tell myself to stop crying. I keep on crying though, and look back again and you're gone. I keep on walking back towards the house, and just keep on walking. I try to figure myself out...and I'm angry with you, hurt, betrayed. I close my eyes and hear your foot steps. I know your footsteps. I turn around and see you, but keep on walking. You catch up to me and put your arms around me, and you whisper that you're sorry.

We stood there in silence for a few minutes, and then I turn around and hug you. When I look at you, I know why I'm so hurt. It's not that I'm angry with you; I'm just crushed that the guy I love so much and trust so much could ever hurt me this badly. You're the last guy in the world that I ever expected to break my heart.

Your sister comes outside and calls our name. I answer her and then look over at the porch. She's there too. I cringe, full of anger...and we let go of our lock on each other. I know thing's will eventually be okay between us, but they'll never be the same.

That night, I learned a valuable lesson, you can't trust anyone. As sad as is may sound, the ones you trust most will hurt you the worst, friends won't always be friends, and some things you can't let someone walk away without letting them know how you truly feel.